I haven’t been sleeping well lately, and tonight is no exception. I tried unwinding with a favorite TV show to no avail (anyone watching Project Runway All Stars? Not the best Project Runway season but it’s still fairly entertaining). Despite an effort to distract myself I still tossed and turned when I finally got into bed. After 45 minutes I gave up and decided to blog out some of my thoughts.
I return to work next Thursday, and I can’t get it out of my head. I keep reminding myself that I’m extremely fortunate – I have options. I can work full-time and afford good childcare for Vivi. I can quit and afford to stay at home full-time. I can attempt to balance both by pursuing a part-time position. The problem is, there’s no easy answer – no right or wrong. Each option requires some give and take.
I’ve always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. In fact, in the past if you’d asked me what my dream job was, I’d say stay-at-home mommy. I’ve loved being with Vivian the last three months. Don’t get me wrong, there are moments when I miss working outside the home. I miss my co-workers, the challenge, the constant pursuit of “better”. I’m one of those masochistic people who enjoys constant change (at least in the work setting).
I struggle mostly because I don’t want to miss a single minute with Vivian. There’s nothing outside the home that seems more important, even my own needs. The need to feel challenged, to be appreciated, to be a part of a team, to get dressed and wear something that isn’t stained with baby juices. I struggle with leaving a job I love. I struggle with letting go of a second income. I struggle with the idea that anyone else could love and care for my baby as much and well as Brad and I do.
I turned to the Beatles tonight – they always provide a little comfort and perspective.
Try to realize it’s all within yourself
No one else can make you change
And to see you’re really only very small
And life flows on within you and without you
Readers, if you’re out there, keep me in your thoughts, and if you have any words of wisdom, I’d welcome them. Sweet dreams and happy mornings!