“Turn off your mind, relax and float downstream . . . “

I haven’t been sleeping well lately, and tonight is no exception. I tried unwinding with a favorite TV show to no avail (anyone watching Project Runway All Stars? Not the best Project Runway season but it’s still fairly entertaining). Despite an effort to distract myself I still tossed and turned when I finally got into bed. After 45 minutes I gave up and decided to blog out some of my thoughts.

I return to work next Thursday, and I can’t get it out of my head. I keep reminding myself that I’m extremely fortunate – I have options. I can work full-time and afford good childcare for Vivi. I can quit and afford to stay at home full-time. I can attempt to balance both by pursuing a part-time position. The problem is, there’s no easy answer – no right or wrong. Each option requires some give and take.

I’ve always wanted to be a stay-at-home mom. In fact, in the past if you’d asked me what my dream job was, I’d say stay-at-home mommy. I’ve loved being with Vivian the last three months. Don’t get me wrong, there are moments when I miss working outside the home. I miss my co-workers, the challenge, the constant pursuit of “better”. I’m one of those masochistic people who enjoys constant change (at least in the work setting).

I struggle mostly because I don’t want to miss a single minute with Vivian. There’s nothing outside the home that seems more important, even my own needs. The need to feel challenged, to be appreciated, to be a part of a team, to get dressed and wear something that isn’t stained with baby juices. I struggle with leaving a job I love. I struggle with letting go of a second income. I struggle with the idea that anyone else could love and care for my baby as much and well as Brad and I do.

I turned to the Beatles tonight – they always provide a little comfort and perspective.

Try to realize it’s all within yourself

No one else can make you change

And to see you’re really only very small

And life flows on within you and without you

Readers, if you’re out there, keep me in your thoughts, and if you have any words of wisdom, I’d welcome them. Sweet dreams and happy mornings!

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5 thoughts on ““Turn off your mind, relax and float downstream . . . “

  1. I doubt there is a mom out there in America who hasn’t struggled with these choices. Please remember that no matter which choice you make today that changes can be made later.

  2. I struggled with so many of these same thoughts and challenges. And while being at work is not nearly as wonderful as being a ray at home mommy, it’s not as bad as you imagine that it will be. There ARE wonderful daycares and they DO adore your little one. Rook just laughs with and loves on his daycare ladies; he is so comfortable and familiar with them. Being a teacher was hard because I felt like I was leaving my child to raise others. However- I appreciate the time to myself, the break, even if it is filled with screaming seven year olds. Then getting off work and getting to Rook and seeing him just smile ear to ear when I walk in is the most wonderful feeling. Weekends are also ALL THE MORE fantastic 🙂 Daycare has been great for Rook- he is independent and well socialized, he is patient and tolerant of others, noise, light, and chaos. I cried and cried in the last weeks leading up to the end of my leave, thinking of how awful it would be to have someone else loving on my baby boy, and what would happen if he needed me. Well they DO love on him and he loves them, and they call and I come running if he needs me- but at the same time he has learned to adjust and is not clingy. Going back to work is hard, but it is time for yourself that some mothers never get. It’s a personal choice, but I can say, it’s not as bad as some of us “first time mommies” imagine it to be! You’re in our thoughts- L&R&R

  3. Pingback: Hiatus is a funny sounding word. | RAYsing Vivi

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